Meet Melanie. She is a mom of two adorable boys - ages 3 years and 8 months - and is currently on maternity leave from her important role as a kindergarten teacher. Her second son was born during the COVID-19 pandemic and Melanie has confided in me that it's been a much different experience raising a "quarantine baby" and not being able to have her in-person village of support. She also has a unique pregnancy experience that I think is important for any woman to be aware of if they are planning and/or trying to conceive. This is her story.
“It takes a village to raise a mother."
"I don’t remember where I read that quote, but it has always resonated with me and it’s proven to be so true. My journey into motherhood has been filled with beauty and pain, confidence and questioning, love and sadness, vulnerability and strength and above all, support. Support has been my light during dark days and it has helped me through my moments of uncertainty.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I was overjoyed. This was the dream. I didn’t, however, expect my many nights of anxiety and uncertainty as he grew throughout my pregnancy. I suddenly had a strong desire to connect with other moms; ones who were also pregnant with their first, and ones who had been there before. I joined online groups, took prenatal classes and found some incredible women who I now count as some of my closest friends. They are who I text in the middle of the night through tears as I hold a screaming, inconsolable babe. They are the ones who I spent my maternity leave with; cheering on our babies’ milestones, checking in after a rough day and truly understanding the highs and lows of motherhood.
This is not to say that my friends without children weren’t supportive. They know me to my core and offered so much love and care when I struggled. I know that I can rely on them to remind me of “Melanie” before I became “Mom” and how she is still “Melanie” today. We can find support in so many places; our family, our spouse and professionals too."
"I have gone through traumatic births with both of my sons. Their births were not what I had envisioned or what I had dreamed of. I had to process the events and I had to mourn the births I did not experience. I NEEDED support to cope with both experiences and to heal emotionally and physically."
The Birth Trauma Association references four main symptoms:
Re-experiencing the traumatic event through flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive memories. These make you feel distressed and panicky.
Avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma. This can mean refusing to walk past the hospital where you gave birth, or avoiding meeting other women with new babies.
Feeling hypervigilant: this means that you are constantly alert, irritable and jumpy. You worry that something terrible is going to happen to your baby.
Feeling low and unhappy (“negative cognition” in the medical jargon). You may feel guilty and blame yourself for your traumatic birth. You may have difficulty remembering parts of your birth experience.
"It felt so confusing to be so happy to have my son(s) safely in my arms and to be in so much pain and still shaken from the birthing process. The first weeks after birth were very physically difficult due to the damage my births caused. I felt vulnerable, raw and extremely sensitive. My support system wrapped me in their hearts and carried me through. They helped me to remember my strength and they held me when I cried."
"In between both births, I had also suffered an ectopic pregnancy which ended with an emergency surgery to remove my ruptured fallopian tube."
An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the main cavity of the uterus. It most often occurs in a fallopian tube, as in Melanie's case, which functions to cary eggs from the ovaries to the uterus. This type of ectopic pregnancy is called a tubal pregnancy. Sometimes, an ectopic pregnancy occurs in other areas of the body, such as the ovary, abdominal cavity or the lower part of the uterus (cervix), which connects to the vagina. An ectopic pregnancy can't proceed normally. The fertilized egg can't survive, and the growing tissue may cause life-threatening bleeding, if left untreated.
"My support system cried with me over my loss, helped me with healing and allowed me to talk about what happened so that I could process it."
"It is so important to share your story, as it helps you heal. Motherhood is so beautiful and difficult. Find your village; share your love, your stresses, your joy and your anguish. We don’t have to carry the weight of motherhood alone. You’ve got this mama: you are loved!"
She is SO right here - we do NOT have to tackle motherhood alone. Even in a global pandemic, we can still seek the support of our village even if it's through a text message, FaceTime chat or a Zoom call.
Who are the people in your village?
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