Did you always know that you wanted to have children? Or did you change your mind somewhere along the way to become or not become a mother? Or was the circumstance out of your control?
Personally, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to experience pregnancy and newborn snuggles, to be able to teach my future children to swim and ride bikes and to go on family vacations and celebrate every single birthday as they grew up. But I was also raised in a family that provided me with positive childhood experiences, a family that showed me that I was valuable and loved and a family with parents that treated me and my sibling as our own independent people and supported our dreams. And I know this is not what all children experience.
As a society, women have been expected to things in a certain order over the course of their lives - grow up, get an education or start a career, find a partner, get married and have children. But what if you're not sure you want to have children? Or what if you find out there's a reason you are unable to have biological children? Or what if you don't find a partner you wish to bear children with?
There is this pressure that many women seem to feel to check off all the boxes in the correct order - often coming from our families because that's what was expected of them during their generation. But what about the women who choose not to become mothers or for whatever reason, are not able to become mothers?
I did a little research and discovered that Mother's Day as we know it today was actually founded in 1914 by a woman named Anna Jarvis who never had children of her own! In honour of her mother's memory, she campaigned to establish a holiday in honour of all mothers, spending seen years and much of her savings lobbying Congress, various Governors and even the President.
Meet Arianne. Not only has she become a close friend of mine, she is also a client and has not had children of her own (and YES not all of my clients are postpartum!). She is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor and Life Coach focusing on helping women play big, be bold and take centre stage in their lives. And she's a very proud Dog Mom to Luna!
She willingly shared her story of her own experience in terms of her own journey towards not having children of her own.
"I had no desire to bring a child into a world that was filled with pain, sorrow, and darkness."
"Mother’s Day has been and forever will be a day that I celebrate my mother and my friends that are mothers, but I’ll never know what it’s like to be celebrated as a Mother. For most of my life, I thought my childhood was normal, but it was filled with trauma and I had no desire to bring a child into a world that was filled with pain, sorrow, and darkness.
It wasn’t until I started to heal my childhood wounds that I realized I could create a different experience for any children that entered my life. Yet, due to my life circumstances and biology of age, it just wouldn’t be children of my own."
At one time, choosing not to bear children was considered insane or unnatural. Which I think is ridiculous - no woman should be considered insane due to her choice to not have children. Even today, it is viewed with questioning and suspicion - women with no desire to procreate, or have not yet procreated at a later age say they sometimes face awkward questions and disapproval. Or get comments like "you just haven't met the right person yet" or "don't worry, you'll change your mind."
"On this day, many women around the world silently grieve because we won’t or can’t experience motherhood."
"I’ve come to terms with the fact that I won’t birth children of my own but there are still small twinges of sadness that creep in when I see motherhood standing in front of me with the beautiful women that are gifted with this experience. But, I stay silent until the sadness washes away.
I feel there’s an element that many of us don’t think about - that on this day, many women around the world silently grieve because we won’t or can’t experience motherhood. It’s not something that’s spoken about and I’m not quite sure why really. If I just speak for myself, I hide my pain because I wouldn’t want to take away anyone's experience of being celebrated on this day. I want mothers all around the world to be celebrated because damn, they should be! And yet, I wonder if we can also make room for those of us that carry heavy hearts on this day.
I’m so grateful for Jen and the opportunity that she has gifted me here to have my voice and maybe start the conversation that’s also needed."
So if you are experiencing a similar situation on Mother's Day in the future, know that you are not alone. There are many reasons why some women do not become mothers - whether it's by conscious choice or by life circumstances or biology and medical reasons - but this does not mean these women are any less worthy of being celebrated.
You can follow Arianne on Instagram @ariannemoorelifecoach or listen to her podcast Relationships Reclaimed on your favourite podcasting platform.
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