I'm pretty sure EVERY mother has been given the unsolicited advice to "sleep when the baby sleeps" by medical professionals, family members and even random strangers hoping to lend some "helpful" parenting advice. But it's not always as simple as it sounds.
First, as a new mother there's probably 197 other things on your to-do list like eat food, go pee, have a shower for the first time in a week, book the next doctor's appointment, order groceries and do those pelvic floor exercises your physiotherapist gave you that sleep can't always be the thing you choose to do when baby sleeps.
Second, what if you can't actually fall asleep when baby sleeps - like the mother who shared this story? What if anxiety is causing insomnia to the point that thinking about sleeping makes your mind race and you're unable to relax?
Meet Chelsey, a Recreation Coordinator and Group Exercise instructor who loves teaching spin and strength classes and a mom of an adorable little boy.
"From the day we brought baby home I had these indescribable worries that I knew were unreasonable but I felt I had no control over them. I felt so much pressure to sleep that I had terrible insomnia and I was so shocked about what happened in labour that I felt almost traumatized. I struggled through months of PP-anxiety and my typical release was through exercise which was NOT even an option for first 6 weeks. I thought having a baby was going to be perfect and fun but nothing can prepare you for the rollercoaster of emotions!

My birth story and post partum journey was an absolute rollercoaster! I had the best pregnancy where I felt great almost the whole time (weird, hey?), taught fitness well into my 3rd trimester and I really did feel like I was "glowing". We took all the birthing classes and I felt so ready for this chapter in my life, bring it on! My husband and I had our birth plan ready and I felt stronger than ever.
A few days after my due date I was enjoying the last quiet days and swimming lengths everyday. Little did I know my water was broken.. ooops! SO I was induced and went into what I would probably call 30 hours of hell, also known as labour.
The induction may be the most painful thing I will ever experience (physically), I ended up getting an epidural which alone made me feel like a failure. I pushed for 2+ hours with baby getting stuck, and almost ended the experience in an emergency C-section but I was determined to do this the hard way since we made it that far already so we went for episiotomy and forceps.
"I was bleeding more than I ever imagined and I had never felt more WORRIED in my life. Uncontrollable, irrational worrying."
After spending 2 days learning what the heck to do with this newborn in the hospital, we were excited to bring the baby home and settle in. My whole body felt weak, I was bleeding more than I ever imagined and I had never felt more WORRIED in my life. Uncontrollable, irrational worrying. I KNEW I was being unreasonable but the sleep deprivation and hormones rushing through me brought on so many uncomfortable things. The "pressure" to sleep in my 1 hour window of opportunity led me to get ZERO sleep and stress all day about the upcoming night. I had the most amazing support from family, friends and even a group of 10 mom friends with similar aged babies, but the nights still felt so lonely. I was laying in bed thinking I HAVE to sleep, if I don't sleep my anxiety will get worse, which made the anxiety worse and led to more panic attacks where my husband would sit there trying to understand what was going on. I knew I had to snap out of it since my husband had only 3 days off work and I felt I had to do the nights alone since it was my "job" on maternity leave. I felt like I was going crazy and the thoughts in my mind were making it all worse. I experienced some "intrusive thoughts" (I found out afterwards they have a name), which made my anxiety even worse. I ended up getting some ativan from the doctor just to get a few hours of consistent sleep to push me through."
Postpartum insomnia is much more common than many women know. Some women struggle to fall asleep initially at night, while others have difficulty staying asleep. Pregnancy and the postnatal period may be an especially vulnerable period for developing insomnia in women. The European Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology and Reproductive Biology found a very high prevalence of an insomnia disorder (approximately 60%) both before and immediately after childbirth.
"The post-partum doctor appointments and their screening questionnaires brought my anxiety to an all-time high with questions like "Do you ever think of harming yourself" well... no, but now I am! This made it all worse and the questions planted thoughts in my head to almost obsess over and I felt completely out of control. Our new family of 3 would go to the mall in the evenings just to get me out of my head and into the real world."
"All the mothers in instagram look so happy and perfect and they are snuggling their beautiful babies smiling with curled hair and makeup on. I could barely hold it together."
A recent study from Frontiers in Global Women's Health reported that depression and/or anxiety affect ~14% of pregnant and postpartum women. They found that the consequences of undiagnosed and untreated depression are serious; nearly 20% of women with postpartum depression have considered hurting themselves. The study also, not surprisingly, identified a substantial increase in self-reported maternal depression and anxiety from pre- to during-pandemic. These data highlight the strong need for heightened assessment and treatment of maternal mental health.
"This was just NOT what I expected. All the mothers in instagram look so happy and perfect and they are snuggling their beautiful babies smiling with curled hair and makeup on. I could barely hold it together. It felt like I lost my identity, transitioning into this role of motherhood. The baby snuggles made it all worth it and I still loved this more human more than I ever imagined, but I just couldn't believe how hard this all was. I felt guilt for not loving every moment, and I set the expectations for myself so high that they were unreachable. I felt guilty for wanting time to myself to do something for me, I felt guilty when I took my little man to the zoo when he could've been having a better nap at home in his crib, I felt guilty for driving in the car so much, I felt guilty that the breastfeeding felt monotonous and annoying, when I thought I should just be grateful I could do it. It felt like there was no winning!
After a couple weeks and numerous doctor appointments, I ended up getting on some postpartum meds and the sleep did turn around for me. I think the hardest part through all this was that working out was/is my #1 stress release, escape and me time and I had to wait 6 weeks to return to it; and even at that it was not right back into spin classes and weight lifting like I had previously enjoyed! I could hardly walk for the first week postpartum! I was lucky enough to have the best grandparents to help out so I could make this time for myself since it was a game-changer to start my day like that. Then I felt guilty about doing it every time, BUT sometimes you have to choose which wolf to feed in that mind, and I knew at this point not to listen.
My workouts looked different and it felt like FOREVER getting back into spin and the things I loved. Some days there would be a 10 minute breastfeed in the middle of a workout, somedays we'd leave barre class early since babe was screaming, and some days I was just downright WAY too tired to do anything but make it through the day.
I wish I had given myself more grace back then and I can now see that it was a small couple months that were hard in the big picture of life. A pandemic 6 months into mat leave was completely out of my control, and by no means easy on anyone. I have been able to ween off my meds and get right back into all the things I love guilt-free (for the most part). Going back to work has honestly been a game changer for me, I just love working and I know I can be a good mom AND a good employee. I know filling my bucket allows me to give so much more.
We are pregnant with our second babe and I have ALOT of worries going into it given my scary first-time experiences but I know I get to choose how I want to handle the chaos around me. It is an ongoing learning process but I intend on giving myself alot of grace and reading other people's stories makes me feel less alone and normalize the postpartum hormonal journey and that is why I was excited to share mine with you all!"
I hope that by sharing these stories I can - like Chelsey mentioned above - normalize postpartum and motherhood. To show you that you're not alone and there's another incredible, STRONG momma out there going through some of the same struggles you are.
You're not alone momma.
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