On November 19 my youngest son turned two making me two years postpartum from my second pregnancy.
Some would argue that you're no longer "postpartum" at this point because your child is no longer an infant and your body has "healed" from pregnancy. Clinically yes, this would be true. Your body's tissues have healed from the trauma of birth - whether that's vaginally or surgically - your uterus has returned to is original size and home in your pelvis and your hormones have *probably* settled back into their non-pregnant state.
I personally believe this mentality is detrimental to women because there's this expectation that if you're no longer postpartum then you should be fine and no longer struggle with the repercussions of pregnancy and birth. That your body is "back" and you're "back" to your old pre-pregnancy self.
But at 2 years postpartum I'm not "fine".
But at 2 years postpartum I'm not "fine".
I still have symptoms stemming from the pregnancy and birth of both of my children including tightness in the scars from my two 1st degree tears stemming from my oldest son's birth, a chronic anterior pelvic tilt (aka tucked bum), chronic pelvic floor tension, chronic hemhorroids and a rectal prolapse that still causes pain. And these are only the PHYSICAL symptoms!
My body is not "back". And newsflash - IT ACTUALLY NEVER LEFT!
It's currently in the newest version of itself. Kind of like an iPhone update. Every few months it's changing and adapting to the newest information. There is no "end point".
My mental health has also been significantly affected over the past 4+ years since my first son was born. Postpartum depression was never something that I thought that I'd experience. I didn't think it would happen to me. For some reason - probably stemming from the endless expectations thrown at us by the media - I thought I'd birth my baby and move on as per usual. Back to me, back to triathlon, back to strength training - just with a small human in tow. Boy was I surprised when this was not my story.
I hit a very low point around 4 months postpartum with my first son. I cried a lot. I slept a lot (or as much as a 4 month old baby in a sleep regression would allow). I stopped finding joy in things I previously loved doing like cooking, exercise and the outdoors. And I questioned myself for becoming a parent in the first place. And the thing with postpartum depression is that it can happen AT ANY TIME in the first 4-5 YEARS of your child's life.
I met with my doctor to discuss my mood and decided against medication with the belief that medication = failure. And I was terrified of becoming reliant on a medication to make me happy. Or at least less sad. I worked on making sure movement was a top priority in my day - in whatever form that would be - and tried to include one or two social activities each week to look forward to and help me feel less isolated and lonely. I often left these outings feeing confused about why I didn't all of a sudden feel full and whole again. Finally, I started teaching a Mom & Baby class once a week which brought back purpose and joy to my life. Supporting other women in their postpartum journey supported me in mine.
This was when I KNEW I needed to make this a priority in my career.
In November, 2018, when my oldest son was 15 months old, my husband was hospitalized for 2 months with an autoimmune disorder that temporarily paralyzed him called Guillian Barre Syndrome. This tanked me. By the time he was discharged from his neruo rehabilitation program, I was a shell of my former self. Again, I cried daily and got upset over the most insignificant things. I was overwhelmed and could not make decisions. I forgot how to laugh. I returned to my doctor and sat in her office crying and saying "I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to feel like myself again." I decided to begin taking medication for my depression.
I began taking this prior to my second pregnancy and continued taking it through my pregnancy with the direction of my family doctor. I spent hours in a counsellors office, on the couch of a life coach and when the pandemic shut down live access to this support, hours in front of my screen in group coaching sessions learning to manage my unrealistic expectations and perfectionist tendencies.
In this process of therapy and counselling I began to make a shift in my outlook on my body and what it *should* look like as a fitness professional through pregnancy and postpartum.
In this process of therapy and counselling I began to make a shift in my outlook on my body and what it *should* look like as a fitness professional through pregnancy and postpartum. My body did not look the same as it did prior to having my first son and when I became pregnant for the second time at 18 months postpartum, my body changed very quickly into something I didn't recognize. I had this expectation that I needed to fit into this box of what a pregnant fitness professional should look like - my vision was basically my exact same shape and tone, just with a cute bump to show off - and instead my body looked (and felt) like it was expanding in every direction faster than I could mentally adapt to. I struggled with what felt like a loss of control.
The shift that came through the inner work that I did allowed me to slowly tone down the need for control and accept that my body was smart and knew what it needed to do - to be a safe place for my growing baby. AND that this was a temporary version that would adapt and change again once my baby was born and through the weeks, months and years postpartum.
The mindset shift of accepting that there was no end point to "get back" to helped me dramatically. Knowing that my body would change and adapt over time in alignment with my postpartum recovery, my mood and my energy levels was freeing. It has allowed me to focus on moving my body to support my mental health and FEEL stronger rather than focusing on the outward appearance of my body. And don't get me wrong - this is far from easy or perfect. I still come across moments where I would like my body to look different or I cringe at the extra softness in my stomach but I'm a lot more kind to myself when these thoughts pop up.
So if you are struggling to be in your pregnant or postpartum body - how ever many weeks, months or years postpartum that may be - know that your body is in it's current version and that version is OK. There is nothing wrong with where your body is at and it does not need to look like anybody else's body.
xo
Jen
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